So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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