1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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