he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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