nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
