a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
