Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
