I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
