Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
