I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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