how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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