Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
