Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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