so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
