Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
