i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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