My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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