good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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