Jerry, you need to find god
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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