Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
