I want to make a zoo with you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
