I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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