i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
