You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
