Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
