Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
