now i know why i became what i already was.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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