Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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