Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
