i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
