You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
