Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Randomize
