she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
