why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
