Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
