ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
