I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
