i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Even my vagina gasped.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
