You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
