If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
