meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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