Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i already hear my dad disowning me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
