i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
