You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
