remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
