I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
