You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
