And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
this will be a night to untag.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
