god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
