I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
