Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And then my night got REAL pukey
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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